Lost. Lost in the darkness of daily power outages searching for a remembrance of my mother's love..The faux illumination from the lamp she sent is hardly equivalent to that which the absent electricity would provide. Equally her voice and pixelated image through skype barely compare to the spiritual awakening evoked by her presence or the ringing in my ears left behind from her laughter. It will have to suffice. Lost in the the overwhelming cries bellowing from the mouths of my Senegalese babies. Begging for silence, I search for a peace not from the cries themselves, but from their cause. Lost in the incessant itch of mosquito bites. Invisible until my skin reacts. I wish there was a way to alter the smell of my blood..somehow make it less satisfying for those annoying, persistent, creatures. Lost in the too familiar taste of Fish and Rice. Realizing as the months dwindle away, I won't be home for Thanksgiving. Every single one of my 10,000 taste buds hates me for this. Lost in the stench of dirty diapers and vomit. Wondering who chose me to have the blessing of an uninstitutionalized life. For here, schedule,routine and order outshine need, love and care. Dirty for it is not time to bathe, hungry for it is not time to eat and passing life away with persistent rocking in the confinement of a crib for it is never time to be held. Lost in the cultural veil transparent to everyone but me. Mocked for my "rasta" locs, American tongue, and inquisitive nature all which pale in comparison to the shock in my ability to refuse the orders of a man...Lost.
As I spiral out of control I struggle for direction back home. Back to sanity, calm, peace, love and purpose. The more I fight the more I realize I'm looking for help in all the wrong places. My destination is not concrete. The path not marked out on a map. No external source will ever show me the way for Spirit is my North Star. Internally I will follow its guidance and despite the poverty, the tragedy and the hearbreaking circumstances I see daily...I will never be lost again.
I am so enjoying your journey through the lens which is your life. Leaving the "sanity" of "home" will always cause us to look deep within beyond the strength we thought we had, to the strength that truly sustains us...Keep following "your" North Star...it will never lead you wrong.
ReplyDeleteSo glad to see you posting again. It's just one more way that we at home can feel connected to our Precious Aleja! I'm grateful for the Skype convos and spotty mobile calls that we do have, but nothing will completely suffice until we can have our great big, enthusiastic and loud hugs and kisses once again when you return! :-)
ReplyDeleteWhen you feel discouraged, find some rejuvenation in knowing that you are such an inspiration to so many people back home. We wish we had the courage, conviction and strength that it has taken you to fly half-way around the world by yourself, to live in the challenging circumstances that you are and still give of yourself so completely to those beautiful babies! I know you've said you don't think you're making that big of a difference in their lives, but trust me-the impact of your care and concern for Mustapha and all the other babies, is immeasurable!! Your love has left an imprint on their souls, and they will be better people because of you. Stay Strong Sweetie! We're proud of you and Love you Madly!! ;-)
This was awesome and just in case you didn't know, written in the tone of a poem, in which I think you should submit/publish or something!! :)
ReplyDeleteLove you and miss you!!
Remember you're on a journey!!
My Beloved,
ReplyDeleteCan you believe you Dad has finally figured out how to post on this damn thing...LOL or should I say BOL....Know that I pray for you daily just as I've done when you were a bay that.."THE ALMIGHTY ANCESTORS PROTECT AND LOVE YOU FROM THE EAST,THE WEST, THE NORTH AND THE SOUTH....ABOVE & BELOW"
Loving you so tenderly and in total awe of who you are! Stay Strong!
DAD
Aleja,
ReplyDeleteOne of the hardest things I've ever done is to live in a foreign country without friends, family or even culture to fall back onto. You would not be true to yourself if you didn't feel lost, alone and powerless at some point in your journey. Just remember that the darkest hour is just before the dawn. And those babies are so fortunate to have you care about them. Hang in there!
Deedee